Meetin' the parents

I have to say meeting Sweetie's parents was one of the most challenging things I've done as a foster parent.  By the way, I have to call her Sweetie now because that is the nickname Noah came up with and it's now the name in my head.  We have other nicknames for her, but Sweetie is the one you'll hear throughout our home.

So Sweetie came to us with a plan for reunification with her parents.  Her case is open for one year, giving the parents time to find stable housing, secure a job, become and stay drug free, and attend required classes through CPS.  The classes required depend on the dangers in the home.  While the parents are working through the program, they are allowed weekly visits.  Every case is different, again based on the family situation, but in our case she was allowed to be with her parents twice a week for 1-2 hrs.  Any family member who wanted to join the parents is able to.

I was not prepared for how much interaction I would have with the birth parents.  It just wasn't made clear in the training.  I had a vague notion that I would be handing her off to the observer at some back door and she would be our go between.  Not so and I'm glad.  I have to directly hand her to her parents.  This was an alarming, and yet has become a very rewarding experience for me.

Up until the first meeting, I had been briefed about her parents via medical records, CPS, and then unfortunately, we found them on Facebook.  I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING THIS!  It is super weird to know details of their lives when meeting them for the first time.  I felt so dishonest, invasive, and completely out of line.  We have vowed to not check their FB pages and will not FB any other parents of kids coming into our care.  Knowing things from FB does not change anything about the case from our end.  Of course every one involved in Sweetie's case can check FB for themselves, if that's even necessary.  We are simply her caretakers as her future unfolds and we leave the rest up to God, who knows all and sees all.

Our first meeting took place a few weeks after she came into our care.  My heart was pounding heading to that first meeting.  I had heard the mom was nervous about her daughter being in care based on an alarming event that occurred in Austin last summer.  Two boys drowned in a nearby lake while in foster care.  I knew this, and decided I would dress my absolute best to help assuage any fears.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but I do firmly believe you never get a second chance to make a first impression.  And, I really feel for the mom.  I want her to have peace that her daughter is in great care, so she can focus on what she needs to do to get well and get her back. I was trying to do whatever I could in our brief encounter to set her mind at ease.

I met the mom, and because of the afore mentioned research, wanted to break down, cry for her and pray over her.  Because that would be wildly inappropriate in the CPS office, I instead greeted her warmly and shook her hand and handed her little girl to her.  Her sweet, young face lit up.  And then I signed the form, turned and left.  That was it.  I returned an hour later to pick her up.

Over the course of the last few months, our brief conversations have given me the opportunity to share how she is doing in our care, any medical appointment updates, and about our holidays.  I want the parents to know I am thinking of them while I care for their daughter.

Unfortunately, Sweetie's mom does not visit her much.  In fact, she's only visited her 7 times since she's been in our care.  It says a lot about the mom and what she believes about herself, but it also says a lot about CPS.  The visits remain ready and available to her.  CPS, in our case, is not trying to keep her from her parents.  Up until the most recent court ruling, I had to be ready with her every Tuesday and Thursday at 9am waiting by my phone to see if the mom had arrived at the CPS office.  If she did, I would have to leave right then to take her to visit.  It's as nerve racking as it sounds.  I did that every Tuesday and Thursday for 3 months until the court's most recent ruling.

At the last court hearing, CPS adjusted the visits to be more considerate of everyone's time to once a week, 2 hours.  Mom has still not been showing up, until today.

And this is where I have a choice.  I could be snooty with her and look at her with disdain.  I mean, what kind of mom doesn't go through hell or high water to see their child, especially one living in a stranger's home?  I could say (or maybe just feel), "About time, sister.  Thanks for finally taking the time out of your busy, non working, drug doing schedule to see your baby."  But, instead, my heart broke again for her and the dad.  This drug dealing, thieving, convicted criminal father absolutely lights up when he sees her.  He quickly takes her from the mom and kisses her all over her face.  It is so tender and real.  I pray it's enough right now to get him to want to change.  So far, it hasn't.  I pray quickly for the mom, that she's sees hope for herself in her daughter's eyes.  I pray for Sweetie, that she isn't afraid of these 'strangers', and that there is an unexplainable connection with her parents.  And, that's all in the 3 minutes it takes to drop her off.

It's all so raw, and real.  As I walked away, the verse that God quickly brought to my mind was Romans 3:23-24, "There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." I am just as a big a sinner as they are, but I have accepted Jesus' forgiveness and receive his grace and mercy.  I want to extend that same grace and mercy to them, where they are at, so they might feel the love of Christ through me and my family.  Man, it's hard, but it feels so incredibly right and good.