Hearing Update

A few weeks ago Phil and I attended the routine hearing for little girl.  Phil has not attended a hearing before, and we knew we both wanted to be present for whatever would be shared.  At the last hearing, Sweetie's case was the first on the docket, so it was all over in less than 10 min.  This time, the court was delayed one hour, so we needed to sit through quite a few cases before her case.  We were so not prepared for what we were about to experience.

The case we walked in on, was a teenage boy whose shelter was closing and he was being moved to another shelter that was zoned to the high school he was attending.  There are no licensed foster homes zoned to that school, CPS reported.  The team of adults surrounding that teenager were so encouraging and uplifting to him.  They, along with the judge, were telling him how proud they were of him, and what a great job he has done getting his first job.  They said he found out the news that he was going to have to move just the night before, and that he was handling the very hard information very well.  At that, I broke down crying.  I tried to control myself, but I kept thinking, "WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS???!!  He should not be doing this alone!  He is a child.  Doesn't anyone care?  Where are his relatives?  He needs a home, not an institution!"  I was so proud of him, and so heart broken at the same time.  I couldn't hold back the tears and had to leave the courtroom very quickly.

I went to the restroom and cried ugly sobs.  Ugly.  I cried for the pain he was enduring.  The great loss he has already experienced.  He had no parents, not even foster parents, to come home to every day after school.  To tell his stories to, to have breakfast with, to make his lunches.  He should not be going through life alone at 16.  

I cried for 45 min. out in the courtroom lobby.  I had composed myself a bit by that point, but the tears just kept coming.  I found myself weeping for the other 2 teenagers who I saw filing out of the courtroom after the boy.  One thrashing mad, and rightly so, and one quiet and indignant towards what was happening to her.

I thought of our little girl and how much I want to protect her from pain.  How much more there is to do for kids in foster care.  Who are there for absolutely no fault of their own.  And yet they are the ones who suffer so much pain.  My commitment to these kids and their cause was reaffirmed a thousand times over.

When it was time for her case, Phil came to get me.  He said it was good for him to hear all of those cases.  To be in that space.  He admits it's sometimes hard for him to grasp the enormity and depravity of the system because his life is more compartmentalized than mine.  And rightly so.  He said at one point the judge proclaimed, "CPS is in crisis."  There are too many cases, and not enough workers.  

Her hearing was a routine status update to the court.  We had already been told everything that would be shared, and there were no surprises, so it was considered a good hearing.  It was over in 10 min and we quickly left.

Now we are just waiting.  We really don't know which way her case is heading.  She could go to her aunt, she could go to her grandma, who is second in line behind her aunt.  She could stay with us.  There is no way of knowing.  As she gets older and calls us Mama and Dada, it gets harder everyday to think of saying good-bye.  I still tear up when the thought crosses my mind, but I don't focus on it.  I believe now more than ever that it is in her best interest to stay with our family.  Her trauma would be greatly increased should our little girl leaves us after being with us for almost 17 months.  

We tell the boys weekly that she could be going to her aunt.  Noah gets really sad with that thought and tells her she can't go.  He tells her how much he loves her and loves having a sister.  He says she belongs here.  I have to talk to him more one on one to help him understand that she still doesn't belong to us.  We are still just her foster family and temporarily taking care of her.  Ethan seems to intellectually grasp that concept a bit better.  They know some facts about the case, because they are super smart kids and ask good questions and we share what we can.

We don't want to disrespect little girl's bio family to our boys, nor share too many adult details.   If she does leave us, we want them to believe she is going to an equally wonderful home full of loving family members.   We want them to grieve with hope, not despair, just as we will have to do.

We pray fervently that all parties involved have the courage to do what is right for her.  We pray everyone involved, including her bio family, are fully aware of the depths and dimensions of childhood trauma and attachment.  We have heard from CPS and her lawyer, and know the judge on the case, are all trauma informed.  We hope the extent of that grows during her case.  We have seen God work through the individuals involved and we praise Him for his faithfulness.  

The next routine hearing is scheduled for May.  We are sincerely hoping a resolution has been reached by then.  What that means is that once the home study is completed on the aunt (this is a second home study, the first one completed was not the one they needed), that CPS and little girl's lawyer reach an agreement about what is in the child's best interest.  If they agree it is the aunt, little girl will leave our home within 30 days of that decision.  If they agree she should stay with us, she stays and they must complete a home study on the grandma.  If CPS and the lawyer disagree, the case goes before the judge to decide.  

It's a lot to process and digest.  I am sure I have left you with more questions than answers.  We know not everyone is made for this emotional rollercoaster.  What seems death defyingly scary to some, seems purposeful and somehow natural to others.  We don't believe everyone is called to be foster parents.  But, we do believe we can all care for foster children.  For me, having little girl in our home is just the start of me giving back to God for all he has done for me.  I thank God he has entrusted us with this great responsibility.

Meeting the Bio Family and what's ahead

I ended my last post in anxiousness.  We went on to have our meeting with Sweetie's aunt and all legal parties involved.  It was a very tense and eye opening meeting.  Phil and I were virtually silent.  I think Phil actually didn't say a word.  There really wasn't much for us to say.

All legal parties clearly laid out the trauma that would be inflicted on Sweetie should she be removed from our home. To try to define that 'trauma' in such a short space here would not begin to unpack it.  The most succinct way to say it, as it was expressed at our meeting, is that because this trauma would be happening when she is non-verbal, she will not be able to fully articulate the loss she feels throughout her life.  She will always deep down feel pain from the loss of her first family.  Not to mention she has already had trauma in the womb and then being away from her bio mom as an infant.

Research indicates (and all of our training lead us to the same conclusion) that Sweetie will act out from her trauma throughout various stages in her life.  CPS made that very clear to her family and yet they want to continue to pursue adopting her.

I have mixed feelings about all of this.

Today Sweetie went on a supervised visit to meet the aunt.  She was picked up by a transporter and returned after the 1 1/2 hr. meeting.  The fact that I couldn't bring her to the meeting was a hard reminder that she is not my child.  She is a ward of the state and the state will do with her as they see fit.  I do believe they have her best interest at heart, and admit that I don't know the full story on the family member.  My pieced-together thoughts could be completely unfounded.

Sweetie returned a few hours ago from her visit.  I got the report that the visit went extremely well.  At those words I started to cry.  I'm still trying to unpack all that I feel.  On the one hand, I'm glad she connected in some way with her family.  I'm glad the aunt got to meet her niece.  She sent 3 gifts home with her, 2 books that Sweetie already owns and loves and a laugh and learn puppy, which she already has but also really enjoys.  So, for some reason this aunt knew the perfect gifts for her.  Could there be a connection there?  Would that benefit Sweetie long term more than being with us?

Every step towards the aunt means a step away from us.  I find myself giving into grief though not despair.  I keep coming back to the truth that this is what we signed up for.  She has been entrusted to us, but does not belong to us.  Fostering is not for the weak of heart, and we knew that.  We knew our hearts would be broken many times over.  At this point, I am preparing for the "when" she will leave us, and not "if".  And that makes me cry even now.

We have 3-6 months until a judgement could be decided.  We plan to attend her scheduled hearing in a few weeks to formally hear an update to the court.  My days just run together.  It's hard to stay focused on my responsibilities when I spend so much energy and time playing with her and connecting with all 3 kiddos.

I've been reviving our conversations with the boys about Sweetie going back to her family.  I mostly say, "Sweetie has an aunt that really loves her and wants to take care of her every day.  So, she may be leaving us soon."  The boys don't really pause long enough to process that, but at certain times they will turn to her and say, "Sweetie, you can't leave us.  We're your family.  We love you."  Then they kiss her cheek/head so hard they usually knock her over.  Or, sweet Ethan will say, "Well, wherever she is Mom, we can always remember her and pray for her."

This is definitely the hardest it has ever been.  Please pray that we continue to care for Sweetie with outstretched hands and open hearts.  That I would not shut off emotionally as a way to deal with my anxiety.  Bible study at our church is starting up again this week and I am grateful to be leading a small group again.  I know studying the Bible daily will help my perspective to stay on the eternal, not temporal.

I almost chant-like say to myself throughout the day, "This is so not about you."  And that strengthens my resolve to do this and keeps the tears at bay a bit.  God sees the beginning, middle and end.  Who am I to know the mind of Christ?  I want to be a humble servant in all things.  Thanks for following us through this.

And then you finish the post, and get an email from CPS...

That says (paraphrased), "We've scheduled a meeting with the bio family in question to discuss the home study and direction of this case. All decision makers will be there and we would like you to attend.  It's in less than 2 weeks."

My heart is racing.  I've never met this family before and here we go...

Adoption Update, it's about time!

I profusely apologize for having taken so long updating this blog.  I kept thinking, I'll have bigger news to share, but as the days pass it seems we are still in the same place.  Of course, looking back at the last post, I know we have come a long way.

At the end of July, baby girl's parents were taken to Mediation in lieu of going to trial.  Both parents relinquished their rights that day.  When I heard the news, I sobbed for hours.  I just sat on the floor with baby girl and watched her laugh and crawl and my heart ached for her, her parents, and her biological family who will never know the joy she brings.  I ended up crying off and on for days.

It was unimaginable how parents who have met her, and held her could choose to never see her again.   There are so many negative things we could say about her parents, but we believe a part of their hearts was stripped away when they signed away baby girl.  I have been told the decision was easier for these parents because they knew me and were happy to have her be with our family.  That made me cry harder.  In many ways I feel so unworthy of the gift of this precious girl.  My heart feels this unspoken communication between her mom and me.  That somehow she is saying she trusts me and knows we will love baby girl deeply and forever.  I have to believe her mother thought of baby girl and not just herself when she made that final decision.

The next bit of news came when we learned her father requested, at the time he relinquished his rights, for some of his family to be considered as a permanent home for baby girl.  It took 3 months for a home study to be completed on them, due to the bio family's hold ups.  It was excruciating to wait.  Technically a home study can be expedited, and should have been in this case, and only taken a month.  As baby girl gets older, we all get more attached.  She more than any of us.  A court hearing came and went during that time, and baby girl's stay with us as a foster child was been extended.

I had chosen to not attend any hearings up to that point.  But now that the case is moving in a different direction, I wanted to hear for myself what happens in court and meet the judge.  Attending her hearing was eye opening, to say the least.  I saw just how big the world of CPS is.  The number of kids talked about in that court, on that day, in the short amount of time I was there was mind boggling.  And, that happens every day, all week.  All of those sweet children who have been harmed for no reason of their own.  I sat quietly and prayed for each one mentioned.  My heart was full when I heard baby girl's lawyer and CPS state multiple times that they believe it it is in her best interest to stay in her current home.  They said they will consider the family, but will equally weigh what is in the child's best interest, and again they agreed it was in her best interest to stay with us permanently.  I then was introduced to the judge, which was short and sweet.  I didn't realize how much I needed to see this part of her story so that I can attempt to more fully understand the system in which she is coming through.

It was good talking to baby girl's lawyer before the court hearing.  She said that people think the hardest part is when you first accept a child into your home.  All the unknowns.  But she has seen the hardest part for foster families is the end.  The endless waiting.  The hurry up to the next step and wait some more.  I completely agree.

A month passed, and we then heard that her case was officially moving to Adoption within CPS. There is lots and lots of paperwork involved in that process, and given the sheer volume of cases, we understood why it took so long, though it didn't make the waiting easier.  This was a huge step forward in providing her a permanent home.  At that point in time, she had been with us 13 months.  She is very much our family.

I had the pleasure of meeting our Adoption case worker a few weeks ago.  Her first words of greeting were, "So, this case just got complicated."  Apparently there was a technicality in the wording of the Mediation report concerning the home study completed on the bio family.  She explained, we are now looking at an addition 3-6 months of waiting until baby girl can be permanently adopted.  Our caseworker is going to try hard to see if the parties involved in the decision making can agree that it is 'in the child's best interest' to stay with us, and circumvent the extra time, work, and heartache involved in fixing that oversight.  Talk about a blow to our timeline.  The waiting continues.

At this point, we honestly are starting to feel a bit weary.  We are definitely not throwing a pity party for ourselves by any means, but we are now 14 months into fostering and we are missing some things we previously took for granted.  We see our friends being able to, what we consider, 'move about life freely' and we can easily become envious of their freedom.

Namely, we are missing the convenience of being able to hire a babysitter to watch our kids.  Any one who watches foster kiddos in the state of Texas has to be certified through a particular agency to watch kids within that agency.  There is no 'sharing of babysitters' between agencies.

We have a few family members out of town and 3 friends in town who have taken that big step for us, and we are very grateful for the times they have watched our kiddos, planned and in an emergency.

But, to be able to ring up a paid sitter for an event or a date night is not an option.  Or if we hear of an event and think, oh I'd like to go to that, we have to just as quickly push that thought aside.  We feel more tied to our kids and home than ever before.  We have found deeper joy in being together as a family since the possibility of being apart is very limited, but we do miss having our alone time as a couple and the connection that comes from giving each other our undivided attention.

I just want to be real here.  Please just know I am sharing our reality within fostering.  I'm not complaining, as we knew the parameters when we signed up, but in living it out, it can be hard and trying. We would not change a single decision we have made.  Our marriage is stronger because of our commitment together, and our kids are better for all of this as well.  We gladly sacrifice for baby girl and hold fast that our sacrifice will reap great rewards for her.

Thanks for following us on our journey!

Summer Update

I realize for many of you, this is the only way you are able to keep up with our fostering journey.  I feel like I see so many friends on a regular basis and share with them face to face, but of course the more praying for us and Sweetie, the better.

Our Sweetie turned 1!  She is crawling, getting into everything, and is sleeping through the night!  Hooray!!!  She is such an easy baby.  She rarely fusses, and loves to make us laugh with her silly faces.  She is an absolute delight.  In some ways I feel like I haven't had the full foster parent experience because none of this feels so overwhelming or horrendous or any of the other words I had heard concerning foster parenting.  I think too that's because she is a baby and we haven't experienced the really tough parenting challenges that come from bringing an older child into your home.

I'm sorry to leave you with such a heavy last post, but the news now has changed.  Such is the nature of foster care, I've learned.  Unfortunately, Sweetie's mom has taken a turn for the worst and has declined contact with her for over a month now.  She is a no show for visits, or she cancels the morning of, or now she just fails to confirm them at all.  She also continues to test positive for drug use.  I do not know specifically what.  I fear she is in a really bad place.  We pray for her safety and a softened heart towards the things that matter.

All of that means, that despite the upswing her mom had in the spring, she is proving to the court that she is not capable of providing a safe home for Sweetie.  We have a court date later this month in which we will learn if Sweetie is getting one step closer to becoming adopted (by us) or her stay will be prolonged with us, up to 6 months, to give her mom time to get clean and in a safe place.

It's a bit much to think about.  I really just take it one day at a time.  I see no reason to get all emotional about it.  It has nothing to do with me.  We as foster parents have no say in any of this, other than letting CPS know that we would be willing to adopt her.

I'm most struggling with the thought of being an adoptive parent.  I know it's sounds unbelievable, but we really hadn't prepared ourselves for this part.  We believed that our home would become a revolving door for babies in foster care, and we were happy to provide that.  The thought of being a forever family to a foster child, well it's at our doorstep now.

Since the case is rapidly changing at this stage, I'll try to do a better job at keeping up this blog.  I'm not really doing our foster journey justice through it, but I hope it's giving you a small glimpse into our lives.

Always feel free to message me any questions!

Hello Scrutiny, come on in

I'm writing from a low point right now.  We have now been fostering Sweetie for 6 months and are coming to the climax of her case.  Some of the nostalgia has worn off and it feels like we're in the trenches.  She is definitely not a tiny, sleeping all the time baby anymore.  My free time is rather non existent as I juggle actively parenting 3 kiddos, managing the required paperwork, answering the weekly calls and emails, attending required trainings, and pursuing needed further medical therapy
for Sweetie.  There have been a few things I wasn't prepared for in this journey.

First, I wasn't aware how much my care of her would be scrutinized.  Sometimes uncomfortably, and definitely more often than I was with our bio boys.  This week Sweetie was evaluated for ECI services.  After the 2 hour visit with 3 staff members, I was emotionally spent.  I know it is all routine and needed for her benefit, but to walk through my entire day with her from wake up to bedtime in detail and analyze each area with strengths and weaknesses made me uneasy, sometimes defensive, and emotional.

For me the hard part of being a foster parent is the constant psycho analyzing that takes place, externally to a degree but more as I become aware of the information.  So much literature and training is out there concerning healthy attachment, answering every cry, keeping them extra close, brain development and behavioral cues all because of their prior trauma.  On the one hand, I felt confident caring for a baby because I felt I parented successfully two boys.  However, a traumatized baby is a whole new ball game.  They don't settle as easily, are not attached to me obviously the same as our boys, may never sleep as deeply as a healthy child.  I know all of this can change over time as the child experiences healthy attachment, parenting etc, but we're at the beginning of that journey.

With our boys, I spent too many hours trying to figure them out, only to end almost every day of their baby stage feeling like a complete failure.  With fostering, I feel doubly so.  With weekly and monthly meetings where I have to rehash so much of my relationship with her, activities, strengths and weakness, there are plenty of opportunities for me to feel like I'm not doing enough for her.

It's ok sometimes to remind myself that she is in a safe place, a better home than she would have been, she has brothers who adore her, but of course I'm not content with just that.  I want her brain to learn deep trust and attachment.  I want her to sleep on a schedule for her own health benefits, as well as for her mom, so she can think more rationally when and if she has to care for Sweetie by herself.  I want to give all I can to heal her while she is in our care.  She's worth the exhaustion and sometimes mental anguish of all of it.  I'm just at a place where it feels overwhelming.  I just needed to share that.

As for an update on her case, as so many dear friends are so wonderful at asking, she is on the path to being reunited with her mother by the end of the case.  Her mother is doing many of the things she needs to do to get her back.  Her visitations have been increased.  We are preparing the boys that she will be leaving us within the next 4 months.  We praise God that he is healing her mom so that she can care for Sweetie.  We pray for Sweetie that she knows how much God loves her and has a plan for her.  We thank God for allowing us to care for her and being part of her story.  We thank God for the ability to care for babies in need and that he would prepare us for the next girl (as very much requested by the boys) who comes into our home.

In addition to the above, it's a lot to process right now.  I think I'm putting a lot of urgency on myself because of her timeline with us.  It's a weird limbo of wanting to start grieving the loss of her, but also intenstly loving her to deeper healing.

This is where my own baggage comes in.  I emotionally detach I am faced with relational pain, and that is absolutely the wrong response here.  Fostering has been an incredible growth process for myself and our family.  I would not do anything differently.  If Sweetie returns home as she is intended, we fully plan on fostering again.  We have decided to take a few months break in between kiddos to catch up on sleep, give our boys some extra attention (and do big kid stuff we haven't been able to do), and allow ourselves to process the experience.  While it's hard and I feel run down right now, I know our God is greater than any emotion, thought, or circumstance.  Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not the right path.

Empowered to Connect

This past weekend I had the honor of co-hosting the Empowered to Connect simulcast at my church, Grace Covenant.  The information is based off the extensive research and experience of Dr. Karyn Purvis and her TCU staff.  I had read her book, The Connect Child, last year and was looking forward to learning more about the trauma and pathways to healing for kids from hard places.  The conference did not disappoint.

My head was literally throbbing Saturday night from processing all of the rich wisdom that was shared. I don't have the time nor space to go into much detail, but I do want to share a few key points that have my mind racing.

First, the primary goal in reaching out to the kids, is for them to know they are precious.  The focus is not on behavior, but on connecting.  We are making up for the fact that they were never cradle held, their parents did not gaze lovingly in their eyes, and snuggle them close when they were crying and afraid.  And trauma in the womb, which most if not all of these kiddos had, predestined psychologically many of their issues.

I so wish I would have had this training when I taught inner city middle school in Houston.  I did those kids a huge disservice with my disdain for their lack of supplies and harshness with my thoughts and words.  I repented of that desperately this weekend.

Secondly, problems formed in the context of relationship HAVE to be healed in the context of relationship.  This parallels the book I finished, orphanjustice, by Johnny Carr.  (I want to write a separate post about that book.)  Orphanjustice asserts, "Man made orphanages for children, but God created families for children."  I believe that more now than ever.

Thirdly, attachment styles.  This was incredibly eye opening as I was forced to analyze my own attachment profile based on my childhood and how that is impacting my family now.  Phil participated in this part as well.  I learned the importance of secure attachment, and now understand this is my primary purpose in parenting kids from hard places, and really my own kids too.  I would say this is my biggest challenge personally and as a parent.  Attachment is not something that comes easily to me, nor have I always seen the importance of it.  I can see there is a long road ahead for me to become earned secure myself.

Lastly, we explored behavioral challenges.  The reality is 80-90% of kids in foster care were harmed by their parents or a trusted friend or relative.  Let that sink in.  The very people the children were meant to run to for love and care were the ones harming them.  Repeatedly.  Daily.  I think you'd be pretty messed up too.  I have an even greater compassion for these kids.  Anyone who struggles to understand why foster parents have to completely remove physical discipline from their home does not fully understand the trauma these kids face. An enormous amount of patience will be required of us as our baby girl gets older and/or we foster older kiddos.

I applaud Dr. Purvis' approach to parenting these kids and have in the past two days altered our parenting to more closely parallel her approach.  In the past two days, our family has laughed more and connected more than we have in a long time.  We've focused on connection and not correction.  One of the most convicting quotes for me was, "Parents who are not overly stressed are naturally playful." I've so lost my playfulness with my boys. I'm working on ways to get it back.

I can see my family and our sweet foster baby benefiting greatly from this conference.  Fostering has been such a healing process for me personally and a huge connection point for our family.  I am so grateful the face of fostering has changed in the last decade and so much information and resources are available to guide us.  As we keep wading in the water, we find we don't want to jump out, but to continue to go deeper.