I ended my last post in anxiousness. We went on to have our meeting with Sweetie's aunt and all legal parties involved. It was a very tense and eye opening meeting. Phil and I were virtually silent. I think Phil actually didn't say a word. There really wasn't much for us to say.
All legal parties clearly laid out the trauma that would be inflicted on Sweetie should she be removed from our home. To try to define that 'trauma' in such a short space here would not begin to unpack it. The most succinct way to say it, as it was expressed at our meeting, is that because this trauma would be happening when she is non-verbal, she will not be able to fully articulate the loss she feels throughout her life. She will always deep down feel pain from the loss of her first family. Not to mention she has already had trauma in the womb and then being away from her bio mom as an infant.
Research indicates (and all of our training lead us to the same conclusion) that Sweetie will act out from her trauma throughout various stages in her life. CPS made that very clear to her family and yet they want to continue to pursue adopting her.
I have mixed feelings about all of this.
Today Sweetie went on a supervised visit to meet the aunt. She was picked up by a transporter and returned after the 1 1/2 hr. meeting. The fact that I couldn't bring her to the meeting was a hard reminder that she is not my child. She is a ward of the state and the state will do with her as they see fit. I do believe they have her best interest at heart, and admit that I don't know the full story on the family member. My pieced-together thoughts could be completely unfounded.
Sweetie returned a few hours ago from her visit. I got the report that the visit went extremely well. At those words I started to cry. I'm still trying to unpack all that I feel. On the one hand, I'm glad she connected in some way with her family. I'm glad the aunt got to meet her niece. She sent 3 gifts home with her, 2 books that Sweetie already owns and loves and a laugh and learn puppy, which she already has but also really enjoys. So, for some reason this aunt knew the perfect gifts for her. Could there be a connection there? Would that benefit Sweetie long term more than being with us?
Every step towards the aunt means a step away from us. I find myself giving into grief though not despair. I keep coming back to the truth that this is what we signed up for. She has been entrusted to us, but does not belong to us. Fostering is not for the weak of heart, and we knew that. We knew our hearts would be broken many times over. At this point, I am preparing for the "when" she will leave us, and not "if". And that makes me cry even now.
We have 3-6 months until a judgement could be decided. We plan to attend her scheduled hearing in a few weeks to formally hear an update to the court. My days just run together. It's hard to stay focused on my responsibilities when I spend so much energy and time playing with her and connecting with all 3 kiddos.
I've been reviving our conversations with the boys about Sweetie going back to her family. I mostly say, "Sweetie has an aunt that really loves her and wants to take care of her every day. So, she may be leaving us soon." The boys don't really pause long enough to process that, but at certain times they will turn to her and say, "Sweetie, you can't leave us. We're your family. We love you." Then they kiss her cheek/head so hard they usually knock her over. Or, sweet Ethan will say, "Well, wherever she is Mom, we can always remember her and pray for her."
This is definitely the hardest it has ever been. Please pray that we continue to care for Sweetie with outstretched hands and open hearts. That I would not shut off emotionally as a way to deal with my anxiety. Bible study at our church is starting up again this week and I am grateful to be leading a small group again. I know studying the Bible daily will help my perspective to stay on the eternal, not temporal.
I almost chant-like say to myself throughout the day, "This is so not about you." And that strengthens my resolve to do this and keeps the tears at bay a bit. God sees the beginning, middle and end. Who am I to know the mind of Christ? I want to be a humble servant in all things. Thanks for following us through this.
