I posted on Facebook, but not officially here, that we found out a week ago that CPS officially decided it was in Sister's best interest to stay with us! Oh happy day! That means, all legal parties are in agreement and we are moving forward with adoption! We've filled out the paperwork we needed to, and today was the previously scheduled follow up hearing for our case. Today, all legal parties presented to the judge their agreed decision, case closed.
Then, Sister's paternal aunt stood up and became very animated and emotional claiming she was not given a fair chance, and no one told her anything in a timely manner. Her and Sister's paternal grandmother feel as if she is being taken from them. The aunt had also taken it upon herself to bring her two young children to court to witness it all. We are sure it was an attempt to garner sympathy for herself. For a variety of reasons, children under 18 are not allowed in court (unless they are there for their court hearing), but the subject matter is just not appropriate for children. It was sad to see those young kids having to experience this.
After the outburst, in which she refused to take a tissue from our lawyer, and the grandma went so far as to knock the tissue box out of the little girl's hand when she was trying to hand it to her mother, we felt very unsafe.
It was a heated conversation between the aunt and the judge, but our judge calmly explained the situation and agreed that sweet girl belonged with us.
When the hearing was over, the grandma waited outside the courtroom for us. We stayed in the court room an hour longer, trying to avoid a confrontation. When we did leave, she followed us into the elevator and proceeded to take pictures of us with her cell phone. One of our case workers confronted her, then upon the elevator doors reopening at our floor, alerted the security guard, who escorted her off the property. We were scared. What was she going to do with those pictures and what was she thinking?
An incredibly emotional journey in such a short morning. We have to wait a month until the adoption hearing, when things would be officially finalized.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Still Waiting
I have been waiting to update our blog, hoping to have great news to share. As it is, we are still waiting for news. Aunt's home study was physically completed mid-Feb and somewhere it is being held up. Everyone says they are 'looking into it'. We still have no idea if she passed or failed the home study. Once we know that, all legal parties involved will schedule a hearing with the judge and state where they believe it would in Little Girl's best interest to be permanently.
Since our last post, we have taken the incredibly heart wrenching step of hiring an attorney. We are definitely treading in territory we never dreamed we would venture into. We were able to hire an attorney because little girl has been with us for longer than 12 months. (It will actually be 19 months this month.) The attorney is our way of having a voice as little girl's caregivers. The attorney will speak to her attachment and the trauma she will incur should she be forced to leave us. If needed, we'll do a formal attachment study with a attachment professional so that it can be submitted in court. She also can bring up issues, facts etc that no other legal party is able to bring up. Things that maybe CPS didn't know, or failed to bring to light, or things that little girl's attorney cannot mention before the judge.
So, the next step is the hearing. We have three hopes: 1) that the aunt gives up her push for little girl and realizes she is where she needs to be, 2) CPS changes their stance on wanting little girl to go to a relative, no matter the cost to her or 3) the judge rules that she should stay with us. If any of that occurs, the case will close and we can move on with adoption.
If anyone says they want her to go to the relatives, we would then move to a jury trial. Given the overwhelming number of these cases taking place in Travis County (hello broken world!), the trial would be late August or September.
A jury trial?! I can't even think about that step. We just take it day by day, meeting by meeting.
We know this is the right step for our family. We would live with deep regret if we did not utilize all the resources available to us to attempt to ensure a healthy, stable life for her. We are extremely grateful that we were able to save the majority of the funds that the state pays us for being foster parents, so that we can end up using the money against them in the end. Kidding. Kind of.
Family visits take place once a month for an hour and a half. I am now taking little girl to those visits, which helps her remain calm and come back more calm. She definitely still has heightened stranger anxiety, but as we get further removed from her being picked up by the transporter and the horrible chaos that created inside her, we think she will continue to improve on her trust and comfort around people she doesn't know.
And, now more than ever, we call her Sister. We've had some sweet conversation with friends (kids) who ask why we call her that. We tell her she needs a family and we are her family for now and that means she is loved as deeply as the boys. They are called brothers, and she is their sister.
The boys do ask weekly if we get to keep her. Now they say, "But she can't leave us now, she's been with us so long". We are a family. We pray that those involved see that too.
We are loving creating happy memories with Sister. She absolutely LOVES camping. She is a fantastic hiker on Phil's carrier. She is so much fun, so adventurous and easily entertained. She is such a gift to our family.
Thanks for praying for us and for her.
Since our last post, we have taken the incredibly heart wrenching step of hiring an attorney. We are definitely treading in territory we never dreamed we would venture into. We were able to hire an attorney because little girl has been with us for longer than 12 months. (It will actually be 19 months this month.) The attorney is our way of having a voice as little girl's caregivers. The attorney will speak to her attachment and the trauma she will incur should she be forced to leave us. If needed, we'll do a formal attachment study with a attachment professional so that it can be submitted in court. She also can bring up issues, facts etc that no other legal party is able to bring up. Things that maybe CPS didn't know, or failed to bring to light, or things that little girl's attorney cannot mention before the judge.
So, the next step is the hearing. We have three hopes: 1) that the aunt gives up her push for little girl and realizes she is where she needs to be, 2) CPS changes their stance on wanting little girl to go to a relative, no matter the cost to her or 3) the judge rules that she should stay with us. If any of that occurs, the case will close and we can move on with adoption.
If anyone says they want her to go to the relatives, we would then move to a jury trial. Given the overwhelming number of these cases taking place in Travis County (hello broken world!), the trial would be late August or September.
A jury trial?! I can't even think about that step. We just take it day by day, meeting by meeting.
We know this is the right step for our family. We would live with deep regret if we did not utilize all the resources available to us to attempt to ensure a healthy, stable life for her. We are extremely grateful that we were able to save the majority of the funds that the state pays us for being foster parents, so that we can end up using the money against them in the end. Kidding. Kind of.
Family visits take place once a month for an hour and a half. I am now taking little girl to those visits, which helps her remain calm and come back more calm. She definitely still has heightened stranger anxiety, but as we get further removed from her being picked up by the transporter and the horrible chaos that created inside her, we think she will continue to improve on her trust and comfort around people she doesn't know.
And, now more than ever, we call her Sister. We've had some sweet conversation with friends (kids) who ask why we call her that. We tell her she needs a family and we are her family for now and that means she is loved as deeply as the boys. They are called brothers, and she is their sister.
The boys do ask weekly if we get to keep her. Now they say, "But she can't leave us now, she's been with us so long". We are a family. We pray that those involved see that too.
We are loving creating happy memories with Sister. She absolutely LOVES camping. She is a fantastic hiker on Phil's carrier. She is so much fun, so adventurous and easily entertained. She is such a gift to our family.
Thanks for praying for us and for her.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Hearing Update
A few weeks ago Phil and I attended the routine hearing for little girl. Phil has not attended a hearing before, and we knew we both wanted to be present for whatever would be shared. At the last hearing, Sweetie's case was the first on the docket, so it was all over in less than 10 min. This time, the court was delayed one hour, so we needed to sit through quite a few cases before her case. We were so not prepared for what we were about to experience.
The case we walked in on, was a teenage boy whose shelter was closing and he was being moved to another shelter that was zoned to the high school he was attending. There are no licensed foster homes zoned to that school, CPS reported. The team of adults surrounding that teenager were so encouraging and uplifting to him. They, along with the judge, were telling him how proud they were of him, and what a great job he has done getting his first job. They said he found out the news that he was going to have to move just the night before, and that he was handling the very hard information very well. At that, I broke down crying. I tried to control myself, but I kept thinking, "WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS???!! He should not be doing this alone! He is a child. Doesn't anyone care? Where are his relatives? He needs a home, not an institution!" I was so proud of him, and so heart broken at the same time. I couldn't hold back the tears and had to leave the courtroom very quickly.
I went to the restroom and cried ugly sobs. Ugly. I cried for the pain he was enduring. The great loss he has already experienced. He had no parents, not even foster parents, to come home to every day after school. To tell his stories to, to have breakfast with, to make his lunches. He should not be going through life alone at 16.
I cried for 45 min. out in the courtroom lobby. I had composed myself a bit by that point, but the tears just kept coming. I found myself weeping for the other 2 teenagers who I saw filing out of the courtroom after the boy. One thrashing mad, and rightly so, and one quiet and indignant towards what was happening to her.
I thought of our little girl and how much I want to protect her from pain. How much more there is to do for kids in foster care. Who are there for absolutely no fault of their own. And yet they are the ones who suffer so much pain. My commitment to these kids and their cause was reaffirmed a thousand times over.
When it was time for her case, Phil came to get me. He said it was good for him to hear all of those cases. To be in that space. He admits it's sometimes hard for him to grasp the enormity and depravity of the system because his life is more compartmentalized than mine. And rightly so. He said at one point the judge proclaimed, "CPS is in crisis." There are too many cases, and not enough workers.
Her hearing was a routine status update to the court. We had already been told everything that would be shared, and there were no surprises, so it was considered a good hearing. It was over in 10 min and we quickly left.
Now we are just waiting. We really don't know which way her case is heading. She could go to her aunt, she could go to her grandma, who is second in line behind her aunt. She could stay with us. There is no way of knowing. As she gets older and calls us Mama and Dada, it gets harder everyday to think of saying good-bye. I still tear up when the thought crosses my mind, but I don't focus on it. I believe now more than ever that it is in her best interest to stay with our family. Her trauma would be greatly increased should our little girl leaves us after being with us for almost 17 months.
We tell the boys weekly that she could be going to her aunt. Noah gets really sad with that thought and tells her she can't go. He tells her how much he loves her and loves having a sister. He says she belongs here. I have to talk to him more one on one to help him understand that she still doesn't belong to us. We are still just her foster family and temporarily taking care of her. Ethan seems to intellectually grasp that concept a bit better. They know some facts about the case, because they are super smart kids and ask good questions and we share what we can.
We don't want to disrespect little girl's bio family to our boys, nor share too many adult details. If she does leave us, we want them to believe she is going to an equally wonderful home full of loving family members. We want them to grieve with hope, not despair, just as we will have to do.
We pray fervently that all parties involved have the courage to do what is right for her. We pray everyone involved, including her bio family, are fully aware of the depths and dimensions of childhood trauma and attachment. We have heard from CPS and her lawyer, and know the judge on the case, are all trauma informed. We hope the extent of that grows during her case. We have seen God work through the individuals involved and we praise Him for his faithfulness.
The next routine hearing is scheduled for May. We are sincerely hoping a resolution has been reached by then. What that means is that once the home study is completed on the aunt (this is a second home study, the first one completed was not the one they needed), that CPS and little girl's lawyer reach an agreement about what is in the child's best interest. If they agree it is the aunt, little girl will leave our home within 30 days of that decision. If they agree she should stay with us, she stays and they must complete a home study on the grandma. If CPS and the lawyer disagree, the case goes before the judge to decide.
It's a lot to process and digest. I am sure I have left you with more questions than answers. We know not everyone is made for this emotional rollercoaster. What seems death defyingly scary to some, seems purposeful and somehow natural to others. We don't believe everyone is called to be foster parents. But, we do believe we can all care for foster children. For me, having little girl in our home is just the start of me giving back to God for all he has done for me. I thank God he has entrusted us with this great responsibility.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Meeting the Bio Family and what's ahead
I ended my last post in anxiousness. We went on to have our meeting with Sweetie's aunt and all legal parties involved. It was a very tense and eye opening meeting. Phil and I were virtually silent. I think Phil actually didn't say a word. There really wasn't much for us to say.
All legal parties clearly laid out the trauma that would be inflicted on Sweetie should she be removed from our home. To try to define that 'trauma' in such a short space here would not begin to unpack it. The most succinct way to say it, as it was expressed at our meeting, is that because this trauma would be happening when she is non-verbal, she will not be able to fully articulate the loss she feels throughout her life. She will always deep down feel pain from the loss of her first family. Not to mention she has already had trauma in the womb and then being away from her bio mom as an infant.
Research indicates (and all of our training lead us to the same conclusion) that Sweetie will act out from her trauma throughout various stages in her life. CPS made that very clear to her family and yet they want to continue to pursue adopting her.
I have mixed feelings about all of this.
Today Sweetie went on a supervised visit to meet the aunt. She was picked up by a transporter and returned after the 1 1/2 hr. meeting. The fact that I couldn't bring her to the meeting was a hard reminder that she is not my child. She is a ward of the state and the state will do with her as they see fit. I do believe they have her best interest at heart, and admit that I don't know the full story on the family member. My pieced-together thoughts could be completely unfounded.
Sweetie returned a few hours ago from her visit. I got the report that the visit went extremely well. At those words I started to cry. I'm still trying to unpack all that I feel. On the one hand, I'm glad she connected in some way with her family. I'm glad the aunt got to meet her niece. She sent 3 gifts home with her, 2 books that Sweetie already owns and loves and a laugh and learn puppy, which she already has but also really enjoys. So, for some reason this aunt knew the perfect gifts for her. Could there be a connection there? Would that benefit Sweetie long term more than being with us?
Every step towards the aunt means a step away from us. I find myself giving into grief though not despair. I keep coming back to the truth that this is what we signed up for. She has been entrusted to us, but does not belong to us. Fostering is not for the weak of heart, and we knew that. We knew our hearts would be broken many times over. At this point, I am preparing for the "when" she will leave us, and not "if". And that makes me cry even now.
We have 3-6 months until a judgement could be decided. We plan to attend her scheduled hearing in a few weeks to formally hear an update to the court. My days just run together. It's hard to stay focused on my responsibilities when I spend so much energy and time playing with her and connecting with all 3 kiddos.
I've been reviving our conversations with the boys about Sweetie going back to her family. I mostly say, "Sweetie has an aunt that really loves her and wants to take care of her every day. So, she may be leaving us soon." The boys don't really pause long enough to process that, but at certain times they will turn to her and say, "Sweetie, you can't leave us. We're your family. We love you." Then they kiss her cheek/head so hard they usually knock her over. Or, sweet Ethan will say, "Well, wherever she is Mom, we can always remember her and pray for her."
This is definitely the hardest it has ever been. Please pray that we continue to care for Sweetie with outstretched hands and open hearts. That I would not shut off emotionally as a way to deal with my anxiety. Bible study at our church is starting up again this week and I am grateful to be leading a small group again. I know studying the Bible daily will help my perspective to stay on the eternal, not temporal.
I almost chant-like say to myself throughout the day, "This is so not about you." And that strengthens my resolve to do this and keeps the tears at bay a bit. God sees the beginning, middle and end. Who am I to know the mind of Christ? I want to be a humble servant in all things. Thanks for following us through this.
All legal parties clearly laid out the trauma that would be inflicted on Sweetie should she be removed from our home. To try to define that 'trauma' in such a short space here would not begin to unpack it. The most succinct way to say it, as it was expressed at our meeting, is that because this trauma would be happening when she is non-verbal, she will not be able to fully articulate the loss she feels throughout her life. She will always deep down feel pain from the loss of her first family. Not to mention she has already had trauma in the womb and then being away from her bio mom as an infant.
Research indicates (and all of our training lead us to the same conclusion) that Sweetie will act out from her trauma throughout various stages in her life. CPS made that very clear to her family and yet they want to continue to pursue adopting her.
I have mixed feelings about all of this.
Today Sweetie went on a supervised visit to meet the aunt. She was picked up by a transporter and returned after the 1 1/2 hr. meeting. The fact that I couldn't bring her to the meeting was a hard reminder that she is not my child. She is a ward of the state and the state will do with her as they see fit. I do believe they have her best interest at heart, and admit that I don't know the full story on the family member. My pieced-together thoughts could be completely unfounded.
Sweetie returned a few hours ago from her visit. I got the report that the visit went extremely well. At those words I started to cry. I'm still trying to unpack all that I feel. On the one hand, I'm glad she connected in some way with her family. I'm glad the aunt got to meet her niece. She sent 3 gifts home with her, 2 books that Sweetie already owns and loves and a laugh and learn puppy, which she already has but also really enjoys. So, for some reason this aunt knew the perfect gifts for her. Could there be a connection there? Would that benefit Sweetie long term more than being with us?
Every step towards the aunt means a step away from us. I find myself giving into grief though not despair. I keep coming back to the truth that this is what we signed up for. She has been entrusted to us, but does not belong to us. Fostering is not for the weak of heart, and we knew that. We knew our hearts would be broken many times over. At this point, I am preparing for the "when" she will leave us, and not "if". And that makes me cry even now.
We have 3-6 months until a judgement could be decided. We plan to attend her scheduled hearing in a few weeks to formally hear an update to the court. My days just run together. It's hard to stay focused on my responsibilities when I spend so much energy and time playing with her and connecting with all 3 kiddos.
I've been reviving our conversations with the boys about Sweetie going back to her family. I mostly say, "Sweetie has an aunt that really loves her and wants to take care of her every day. So, she may be leaving us soon." The boys don't really pause long enough to process that, but at certain times they will turn to her and say, "Sweetie, you can't leave us. We're your family. We love you." Then they kiss her cheek/head so hard they usually knock her over. Or, sweet Ethan will say, "Well, wherever she is Mom, we can always remember her and pray for her."
This is definitely the hardest it has ever been. Please pray that we continue to care for Sweetie with outstretched hands and open hearts. That I would not shut off emotionally as a way to deal with my anxiety. Bible study at our church is starting up again this week and I am grateful to be leading a small group again. I know studying the Bible daily will help my perspective to stay on the eternal, not temporal.
I almost chant-like say to myself throughout the day, "This is so not about you." And that strengthens my resolve to do this and keeps the tears at bay a bit. God sees the beginning, middle and end. Who am I to know the mind of Christ? I want to be a humble servant in all things. Thanks for following us through this.
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