This past weekend I had the honor of co-hosting the Empowered to Connect simulcast at my church, Grace Covenant. The information is based off the extensive research and experience of Dr. Karyn Purvis and her TCU staff. I had read her book, The Connect Child, last year and was looking forward to learning more about the trauma and pathways to healing for kids from hard places. The conference did not disappoint.
My head was literally throbbing Saturday night from processing all of the rich wisdom that was shared. I don't have the time nor space to go into much detail, but I do want to share a few key points that have my mind racing.
First, the primary goal in reaching out to the kids, is for them to know they are precious. The focus is not on behavior, but on connecting. We are making up for the fact that they were never cradle held, their parents did not gaze lovingly in their eyes, and snuggle them close when they were crying and afraid. And trauma in the womb, which most if not all of these kiddos had, predestined psychologically many of their issues.
I so wish I would have had this training when I taught inner city middle school in Houston. I did those kids a huge disservice with my disdain for their lack of supplies and harshness with my thoughts and words. I repented of that desperately this weekend.
Secondly, problems formed in the context of relationship HAVE to be healed in the context of relationship. This parallels the book I finished, orphanjustice, by Johnny Carr. (I want to write a separate post about that book.) Orphanjustice asserts, "Man made orphanages for children, but God created families for children." I believe that more now than ever.
Thirdly, attachment styles. This was incredibly eye opening as I was forced to analyze my own attachment profile based on my childhood and how that is impacting my family now. Phil participated in this part as well. I learned the importance of secure attachment, and now understand this is my primary purpose in parenting kids from hard places, and really my own kids too. I would say this is my biggest challenge personally and as a parent. Attachment is not something that comes easily to me, nor have I always seen the importance of it. I can see there is a long road ahead for me to become earned secure myself.
Lastly, we explored behavioral challenges. The reality is 80-90% of kids in foster care were harmed by their parents or a trusted friend or relative. Let that sink in. The very people the children were meant to run to for love and care were the ones harming them. Repeatedly. Daily. I think you'd be pretty messed up too. I have an even greater compassion for these kids. Anyone who struggles to understand why foster parents have to completely remove physical discipline from their home does not fully understand the trauma these kids face. An enormous amount of patience will be required of us as our baby girl gets older and/or we foster older kiddos.
I applaud Dr. Purvis' approach to parenting these kids and have in the past two days altered our parenting to more closely parallel her approach. In the past two days, our family has laughed more and connected more than we have in a long time. We've focused on connection and not correction. One of the most convicting quotes for me was, "Parents who are not overly stressed are naturally playful." I've so lost my playfulness with my boys. I'm working on ways to get it back.
I can see my family and our sweet foster baby benefiting greatly from this conference. Fostering has been such a healing process for me personally and a huge connection point for our family. I am so grateful the face of fostering has changed in the last decade and so much information and resources are available to guide us. As we keep wading in the water, we find we don't want to jump out, but to continue to go deeper.
